I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
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“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband