I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
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Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.