I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
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I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
dictator is short for richard potato
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19