i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
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FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.