I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
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[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
May never get over this
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said