I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
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My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Very good! 👍😂
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas