I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
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If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.