I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.