I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
You Might Also Like
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.