“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
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Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Tough love is true love
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*