“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
You Might Also Like
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?