@shopkins776: I'm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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@Cheeseboy22: All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.
@anbrll00: Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery. Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died Dr: yep
@DumbConfessions: Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once. *pops jean jacket collar* I got marmalaid.
@withanewname: Wife: "Bad day?" Me: "Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid." Wife: "Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold."