@juliussharpe: I'm scared to go to sleep tonight knowing some maniac is running around out there slightly deflating footballs.
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@jonnysun: museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776 me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
@ElliotHetherton: [family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back] Father snake: oh no not this again Baby snake: *starts crying*
@In_Twittaland: No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods. Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
@CheryeDavis: The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car... They don't however think it's cute to call your phone baby..