“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
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Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
This makes total sense…
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.