I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
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Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no