I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
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How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*