Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”