@snmrrw: i'm selfie-employed. yes sir i'll make a duck-face. right away sir.
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@Darlainky: Friend: Get anything for Valentine's Day? Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine. Friend: Did you get him anything? Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
@FatherWithTwins: Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this. 4yos: Me: 4yos: Me: 4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
@bridger_w: This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.