i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.