I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
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When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
What about second breakfast?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
One of the best
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware