I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
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if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My first child will be named New Folder.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Shoo shoo! 😂
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.