I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
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papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.