I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
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new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Always…
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.