when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
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Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
no cat here
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Actually cracking up @ this
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair