@Black__Elvis: I'm sick and tired of all these goddamn illegal aliens taking jobs away from good, hard-working American aliens.
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@iGreenMonk: She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight? Me: But darling i'm a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?
@VaguelyFunnyDan: Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you're auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say "OK I'll let you know"
@DearAnyone: A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.