Did I do this right
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[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please