@slimmy_shady: I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
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@StellaRtwot: We wouldn't really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
@Coolisiana: INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness? ME: INTERVIEWER: ME: MY MOTHER: He's not good at speaking up for himself
@kashanacauley: Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
@jbillinson: Biden: "Guess who just upper-decked the toilet outside the Oval Office?" Obama: "Dammit Joe, I have to live here for two more months"