I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
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My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…