@slimmy_shady: I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
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@UncleDuke1969: Date: "You're very tall! Do you play basketball?" Me: "You're very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?"
@sofarrsogud: CONCERT AC/DC: Who's ready to be Thunderstruck? CROWD: *screams ME: [from front row] IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
@timdonakowski: Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.