@PoliticallyILL1: I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."
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@iwearaonesie: My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless. It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ: Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
@withanewname: [breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron] "Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog."
@XplodingUnicorn: Dear Britain, This Brexit vote is all wrong If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war. Sincerely, America