I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
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You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.