I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
This is my favorite one of these!
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
This is so me 😂😂
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.