I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
You Might Also Like
Forever 21… pounds overweight
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Beware…..
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.