There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I’m going to need a moment here.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real