I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
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People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
What my back needs
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid