I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
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I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
#SCOTUS one-star review
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”