I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
You Might Also Like
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.