@infamousone96: "I'm single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I'm still single, cuz I say shit like that?
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@hpb777: Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
@murrman5: [kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
@gerryhatric: A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds. He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.