“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
This meal prepping shit easy
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
👾👾👾
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.