Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
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Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week