I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
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my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back