[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
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cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Coffee for people with no kids
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.