Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
CRYING
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”