I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
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Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes