I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now