I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
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Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Whisper out to librarians!
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face