I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
You Might Also Like
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Hit me in the face with a bird
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Just a friendly reminder!
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.