I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
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If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
going to the ER y’all need anything
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.