I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
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*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this