I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
You Might Also Like
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
john wicks are toilet candles
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this