I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
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Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
wut hotdog?
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”