I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
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Saturday
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
japanese corn
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.