I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
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*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Facebook memories be like
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.