I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
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Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW