@FreudsTwin: I'm so antisocial, i won't even meet my potential.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [breaking up yet another fight] Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters? 6-year-old: Because I always win.
@huntigula: Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film! Me: U too! TC: Really? You'll take me with u? Me: I didn't mean.. TC: Oh, I see Me: I'm sor TC: [sobs] JUST GO
@TheToddWilliams:  LINCOLN: Here's what I have so far…"Eighty seven years ago our f— MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don't you use some whacky weird numbers
@behindyourback: 11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything